Do not show this text to your homies.

What did we do before texting?

We called on the phone.

What did we do before email?

We faxed.

What did we do before the phone?

We sent telegrams.
What did we do before telegrams?

We sent letters.

And what did we write in those letters?

 

Here you go, from the British Library, written in 1477, a love letter

Unto my right well-beloved Valentine John Paston, squire, be this bill delivered.

Right reverent and worshipful and my right well-beloved valentine, I recommend me unto you full heartedly, desiring to hear of your welfare, which I beseech Almighty God long for to preserve unto his pleasure and your hearts desire. And if it pleases you to hear of my welfare, I am not in good health of body nor of heart, nor shall I be till I hear from you. For there knows no creature what pain that I endure, And even on the pain of death I would reveal no more. And my lady my mother hath laboured the matter to my father full diligently, but she can no more get than you already know of, for which God knoweth I am full sorry. But if you love me, as I trust verily that you do, you will not leave me therefore. For even if you had not half the livelihood that you have, for to do the greatest labour that any woman alive might, I would not forsake you. And if you command me to keep me true wherever I go, indeed I will do all my might you to love and never anyone else. And if my friends say that I do amiss, they shall not stop me from doing so. My heart me bids evermore to love you truly over all earthly things. And if they be never so angry, I trust it shall be better in time coming. No more to you at this time, but the Holy Trinity have you in keeping. And I beseech you that this bill be not seen by any non earthly creature save only yourself. And this letter was written at Topcroft with full heavy heart.

Be your own Margery Brews.

 

In American English

 

Honey Bunny,

Hope you’re hanging in there.

I’ve been hurling.

Dad wants me to marry another Storm Trooper.

Fight for me with your light saber and I do love your light saber.

Nobody can stop me from jumping into your spaceship if you come for me.

I’m kind of bummed out these days.

Do not show this text to your homies.

Advertisements
Published in: on October 8, 2016 at 9:38 pm  Leave a Comment  

The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://kategale.wordpress.com/2016/10/08/do-not-show-this-text-to-your-homies/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: