Lewis Carroll had it right. There is a rabbit hole and when you get in there, everything looks very different. And I’m not talking about smoking weed, you rascals. I’m talking about some part of your life where everything seems crazy and different like you’re in a fun house or one of those dance parties where there are black lights and you become convinced that everyone has large very white teeth like shark teeth and they’re staring at you from different parts of the room and all you can see is those shark teeth. Also because of the lights and the dancing, you don’t know where to go. The room is very full of people and they are moving and you can’t see the exits and you aren’t sure if you want to come or go.
Someone told me this week that she had tried to kill herself eleven times. She is twenty-one. That’s far down into the rabbit hole, the dark parts I haven’t been to.
I’m still swimming around in the light parts. I want to say that it doesn’t rain in these parts but it does. Rain comes in through the ceiling when you don’t want to and you’re afraid of electric shocks, but when you need rain, the sky is like iron. This isn’t the dance party I planned to attend.
And still, rattled and confused, I can see that girl’s eyes when she told me about wanting to die and I think I’m in the crazy bits but I like life and this will all become clear. Stay away from mushrooms I say to myself, you don’t want the room to change, you just want to figure out what you’re doing here. What is my place in the world? Is there any way I can do better?
And then there is the question I never have to ask, who are my true friends? Because I know that and I remember it and then even under the strobe lights, I look down at my feet and see that like Bjork, often out of time, I am dancing.