Let’s change our parents

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Kids wish their parents would be different. It’s easier to fix yourself then to fix your parents. It’s easier to get your kids to change than to get your parents to change. We are meeting as a family in Hawaii in a couple weeks and I’ve gotten to thinking about what kids want from their parents. Of course, it changes over time but let’s try some stages.

Stage 1
Feed me. Feed me more. Feed me what I want to eat. No, not that. I don’t want vegetables. I don’t want greens. I don’t want carrots. Don’t give me peas. Give me ice cream. Give me pizza. Give me otter pops. Give me candy. Candy me, as my daughter used to say. Just candy me.

Stage 2
Don’t make me do my homework. Don’t make me clean my room. Don’t make me do anything. Let me do what I want to do. Let me play. Let me sleep in. Let me ride shotgun. Let me have my friends over. Let me go to the party. Let me have a party. Let me wear this purple dress. Let me wear these purple pants. Let me dye my hair purple. Let me have this purple back pack. Let me eat cake.

Stage 3
Leave me alone. Quit talking to me. Quit asking me questions. Quit asking me what I want to do when I grow up. Quit telling me what to do. You’re not the boss of me. I’m the boss of me. Go away. Knock before you come in my room. Don’t come in my room. I don’t need your advice. Leave me alone.

Stage 4
Leave me alone but give me the car. Leave me alone but leave me the keys. The keys to the car. The keys to the liquor cabinet. The keys to the lake house, family sailboat or trailer camper parked in the back yard. Leave me alone but give me money. Leave me alone but treat me like an adult.

Stage 5

Can I come home for Christmas? I need to do my laundry. I need supplies. Actually, I just miss you guys. Are you making a turkey? Are you making pies? Are you going to make extra pies? Can I bring a couple of friends? Do you guys have any furniture you want to get rid of?

Stage 6

Listen Mom, Dad, when you visit, please don’t touch my stuff. Don’t criticize what I spend my money on. Don’t start in on who I’m dating or the music I listen to and I don’t even need to hear it about my job or lack thereof. I do fine. Just, take it easy. But thanks for visiting. Any chance we can go to dinner?

Stage 7

Mom, Dad, listen, I appreciate the loan I really do, but you can you quit judging me. I’m doing my best.

Stage 8
Mom, Dad, I have my own life to live. I don’t have time for you. I love you, but I don’t have time for you right now. I’m busy. Listen if we are going to communicate it needs to be on my terms. I can talk with you on Facebook, but I don’t believe in email or the phone or Facetime, so you have to respect my terms. Also, you can only visit me when it works for me.

Stage 9
When did dad become such an asshole? He’s so selfish and it’s all about him. And when did Mom become such a weirdo? She’s a narcissist. Listen you guys need to understand that we love you but it isn’t all about you. You should go to therapy. You need to become better people.

Stage 10
Listen you need to take yoga, go to therapy, get acupuncture, watch intelligent movies, read more, travel more, exercise, eat the right foods, listen to good music. Be interesting. Is it me or are you becoming less interesting? Be interesting. We’ll see you at Christmas with the kids. But listen, we know how to raise the kids so please just take your advice and shove it. We know what we’re doing with our lives. We know everything. Would you please be smart cool ideal parents? Is that too much to ask?

Published in: on July 19, 2014 at 7:36 pm  Leave a Comment  

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