What I want to tell my friend about her husband

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The reason the scorpion stung the turtle who was carrying him across the river is that it was in his nature to sting. It is very difficult to change a person’s nature unless they are still growing. (As in, ah, you, young man, bi now, gay later.)

A husband who loves you will want you to feel safe. Will want you to feel shelter. Will want you to have a life that feels like a dream, a party, a song, a river in which you are in a canoe with no holes, like your life is a picnic when it does not rain and when it does rain, you have a huge tent to walk under and in that shelter, you are both womb safe.

A husband who will want to make sure always that you are not afraid and that you want to come home. A husband who changes diapers. A husband who is willing to tell your parents that he will take care of you. A husband who is willing to make good on that promise. A husband who takes care of his son and of you and who sees you. Who sees you completely. Who sees you not just as a body, but as a whole person, your energy, your being a mom, your voice, your spirit, your wild lovely self.

There is a story you enter when you decide to have a son. The boy is your son, but he is also his father’s son. You want the father to see you as the giver of his son but also to see you completely as a separate person. You are not just a story of someone who produces his heir. You are not just a beautiful girl/woman. You are a person. Your own person.

In the bullring, there is a place for which the bull will fight, a place in the ring where he feels safe; it’s called la querencia. It’s his safe place. We all have or should have a querencia, a place where we feel safe and the husband should help you protect that safe place, should understand it.

For most women, once you have a child, the safe place is fairly simple: It’s your kids are. And it’s living somewhere with your kids that they are taken care of and you aren’t sweating blood. When my kids were small, we had a yard and in that yard a slide that went into a small wading pool, a cocker spaniel and a lot of trees. I wanted to know my kids could grow up in that park space, have enough bananas, be able to go to the beach. I wanted to know the bills are paid, and that I could enjoy being a mom without sweating the small stuff and that I could still have time to write.

It isn’t too much to ask. It isn’t too much to want. It isn’t too much to reach for. Ask for a place in the world where you can raise your child and be loved. Ask for him to fight for you. Give love and ask for love in return. I wish you well. I wish you love.

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Published in: on April 18, 2014 at 2:54 pm  Leave a Comment  
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