Testicles are proof: There is no intelligent design

getty msc 010

No offense guys, but the first time I saw testicles and the whole package, I thought, Dear Lord. What went wrong here? They can’t all look like this. Surely, some look better? But no, package after package spooled out in my college years and on nude beaches from here to Timbuktu, all those testicles had the appearance of being an accident. Like someone really messed up during the creation process. Got drunk? Got high? Fell asleep at the wheel?

Breasts are a lovely sight to behold. A nice pair of female legs? Sure. Some men have good looking faces and nice legs and I’m a big fan of the tight butt, but naked? Seriously, what was God thinking?

But let’s move on to women. If I were an intelligent designer I could have come up with another fertility method that did not involve women bleeding a quarter of the time. It’s bullshit! Thongs are a drag, running isn’t fun and let’s not even talk about sex, swimming and swinging from a trapeze. None of those are easy during this time. And what about PMS? Let’s just make females a real bitch one quarter of the time. Then when they go through menopause, let’s just lay the bitch on thick with a trowel. Intelligent design? A child could have done better.

But let’s go on to nature for a moment. Scorpions? Was that necessary? What about dung beetles, poisonous snakes, wasps, Portuguese man o’ war? What about cacti with their spines and roses with their thorns. What about AIDS and the bubonic plague. What about kids born with syndromes that make their parents crazy. What about earthquakes, fires and floods? What about tsunamis? What about cancer?
People talk about the beauty of sunsets, sunrises, moonlight, stars, the tundra, the prairie, the ocean, the phosphorescent glow of lightning bugs, the magical heat of firelight and the way it dances. All that’s true enough, but I think all that is accidental, whatever design is happening in the universe appears to me either a malicious intelligence or no design at all. Take a look at the platypus. Come on. It looks like a four year old came up with that idea. Who comes up with rattlesnakes and the two step snake of Costa Rica. It bites you. You take two steps. You die.

The only time I think about intelligent design and it makes any sense at all is when I look at a baby. Babies are pretty breathtaking. But they grow and pretty soon they start to sass you and then at some point you have a teenager in the house and it’s hard to believe in God then. You reach for a glass of wine and then another. There’s not about the process of raising teens that feels intelligent, but then, teenagers are pretty sure you’re an idiot too. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe we’re teenagers in the universe and the great plan is too big for us to understand. Or at least too big for me. I’m trying to wrap my head around the platypus and then I’ll get back to women and then to men. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Published in: on February 13, 2014 at 6:11 pm  Leave a Comment  

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