What is normal? For those of you who are not normal, but might want to be, this is a little primer to get you going. Follow these rules and you’ll be closer than ever.
If you want to be normal, here is how to do it.
1. Be straight. That is a really good start. If you’re gay, you’re already outside of normal.
2. Have children and be all up on it with the children. Take them to baseball games. Celebrate July 4th by watching fireworks.
3. Sing the national anthem and teach others to sing it as well. Especially your children. Best if they sing it with their hands on their hearts.
4. Live in a regular house. Here’s how you decorate that house. Have wall to wall carpet or tile. Have blankets on the wall. Have artificial flowers. Have a massive granite kitchen. Have many appliances in the kitchen. The kitchen should be full of appliances. Expensive ones. Your whole house should be full of stuff. Have beds with Disney cartoons for bedding.
5. You need a lot of toys and sporting equipment. You need an RV, jet skies, and that’s just the beginning. You need guns.
6. You need to listen to country music. Or pop music. Or both.
7. If you’re a woman, develop the habit of listening to men. Listen attentively. If there is a break in the conversation, murmur appreciatively. Open your eyes very widely, and look like you’re hoping he will continue talking . When he does, keep looking at him like he’s your last hope.
8. Wear attractive clothing and discuss your desire to look better and be thinner. Always have plans to improve yourself. This is very American, you must constantly want to improve.
9. Money. You should talk about what good deals you got on things. You should sound like you make a lot of money but are always saving money. Money matters to normal people. Work on saving money. Think about money. Focus on money.
10. You should keep a clean house. And a clean car.
11. Wear quiet clothing so people don’t notice you.
12. Do not come up with new ideas too often. Just follow whatever course is laid out for you. Don’t speak up. When people try to engage you, respond quietly.
13. Don’t climb up in the world.
14. Go out to eat often. Normal people like to eat in restaurants.
15. Eat red meat, pork, veal, lamb. I shouldn’t even have to tell you that normal people are omnivores.
16. Vacations: You can go on cruises, you can go to islands. You can go snorkeling or scuba diving. You can go to Italy or France or England. Don’t even think about going to Third World countries. When you do go on vacations, stay in hotels.
17. Children: Teach them to play soccer.
18. Pets: Cats and dogs will do.
19. Marriage: Stay within your race. And opposite gender.
20. You should talk as though you believe in God. Normal people believe in God.