TSA people really like to feel me up

whisbey11 041 Don’t let me be lonely.

I never fly without having a breast examination. It’s probably just as well. I haven’t had a mammogram for a while so what better place for a breast examination than the airport? And what better person to perform the examination than a TSA official? When the TSA ladies first started to feel me up on a regular basis which was pretty soon after 9/11, I took it as a compliment, I said to myself, well, a lot of these ladies look to be on the “other side,” and clearly I’ve got it going on, I could fly on either side of the aisle so to speak and they recognize that sexy quality in me and that’s why they want to cop a feel. Now, it’s just become routine. And let’s be honest, not all TSA females can possibly be gay. They look like it with their blue pants and their short haircuts and their whole outlook seems to say, I could out man you even if you’re a man, but it would be too strange if the whole profession was gay. It’s not like they’re all softball players or tennis players.

But trust me, they want to get cozy with yours truly’s mammary glands. In and around, on top and underneath, they get very snuggy. I’m getting kind of used to it. I’d like to whisper in their ears while they’re doing it, “I’m really enjoying this.” Or even, “More! More!” I think the simple word, “more” is probably all I need to arouse them. I’d like to see their faces light up, but one is supposed to take the whole TSA process very seriously. And I try to do just that. I hum as they rub me down, I hum like a happy woman getting a quick massage in public from a total stranger. It doesn’t happen to everyone.

New Mexico was good. Giving my talk on mentoring was fun. Visiting the University of New Mexico Press and seeing all of their employees hard at work was great, another press of hard working individuals! and Darlene made the most amazing dinner last night. This crusty mahi mahi and asparagus and pumpkin pie and perfectly outrageously great red wine. Darlene gives good directions so I didn’t get lost at all either. Plus I have my iPhone.

Once Darlene and I were driving through New Mexico and we had directions from my Native friend Allison who actually had said, “When you get a lonely feeling, turn left,” in her written directions. Darlene and I got no lonely feeling because we are always talking to one another a mile a minute when we are together, but we saw where we SHOULD get the lonely feeling because it was a quiet area with sparse houses and trees spiking against the sky so we turned there and it was right.

For a Native person, feeling lonely might be good directions, but for many of us we like more signs than that. I like to think of those directions though. I think of Allison and smile, Don’t let me be lonely, but if I am lonely, I’ll turn left.

Published in: on October 30, 2013 at 2:28 pm  Leave a Comment  

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