Things I forgot to tell my daughter

nydec 010 Last Ghost Ranch with Darlene Chandler Bassett and Mary Johnson

When you’re sitting at a table with a group of women having an interesting conversation and an older white male joins you and talks at you about something random that does not interest anyone at the table except himself and starts telling stories about himself, do not stare at him blankly. Do not stare out at the water. Do not pick up your phone and start playing with it. Do not pour yourself the rest of the bottle of wine. Do not roll your eyes at any time when you think he isn’t looking so the other females will know that you are all suffering and that you are trying to let them know you swim in a kind of tribal neglect with them. Do not do all the things I would do. Those things won’t get you anywhere. In fact, that kind of behavior gets you in Trouble.

Things I did not tell my daughter: When you are talking with a man sometimes the answer will be super obvious to you. Do not jump in and tell him the answer. Do not roll your eyes like he’s an idiot for not recognizing the answer. Try to hint to him what the answer is. Give him little pieces of the answer. When he comes up with the answer himself, act surprised. Act pleased. Applaud him for coming up with The Answer. If possible get up and clap. Do a dance. This is your chance to practice your winning ways. Smile. Men like women smiling at them. Lavish him with indecent praise and smiles like you can’t believe you get to be around someone as brilliant as he is.

Things I forgot to tell my daughter:

Women do a lot of the work for which men get the glory.

Men deserve jobs/careers/spouses to look after them.

Women enjoy cleaning up after men.

Men drink too much because they’re stressed.

Women drinking too much is really distasteful.

It’s a man’s job to come home at some point when it works for him.

It’s a woman’s job to take care of the kids, keep the fridge full of healthy food and take care of the house.

Men who are controlling and aggressive do so because they are strong and want to get the job done.

Women who are controlling and aggressive are bitches.

Men who let themselves get fat are still sexy as long as they have an income.

Women who let themselves get fat are not sexy.

Men need orgasms.

Women enjoy what they get.

If I ever hear my daughter complain, I’ll say to her, “What world do you think you were born into? Do you think you can change it?”

I bet she will. I certainly hope so.

Published in: on August 8, 2013 at 8:43 pm  Leave a Comment  

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