Biblical Animals, Silver Linings Playbook

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If you are a Bible believer, you might want to think about the animals in your life. Try to clear your life from bad animals and focus on good animals.

Apes are mentioned in the Bible as good gift animals. The Queen of Sheba showed up with apes. I have tried this without any success. I gave an ape to a guy I was dating back in Phoenix, he backed out of my driveway pretty quickly leaving me alone with my ape.

Asp, snakes—these are bad animals in the Bible, so owning one is probably bad Biblical juju. Snakes are symbols of Satan.

Ass—mentioned one hundred and thirty times in the Bible. So, a good animal according to the Bible. The problem with the ass is that you don’t see many of them in America. Horses? Sure. Ponies? Definitely. But not so much the asses. Except in Washington.

Bears—Hard to believe, but the Bible has bears eating small children who are rude.

Birds—divided into clean and unclean. Avoid dirty birds. God doesn’t like dirty birds. Swans are dirty birds according to the Bible which is just as well for them and saved them from being eaten.

Pigs are dirty in the Bible and shouldn’t be eaten. The children of Israel completely missed out on Bacon Bits which had to be invented by White Trash Gentiles in a trailer park in Tennessee. The Bible refers to pigs as “swine,” which oddly sounds so much more vile than pigs or piglets.

Dragons—very popular in the Bible.

Fish – a truly Biblical creature; if you want to be a good person, be a fisherman and hang out with others who are also fishing.

Goats—very bad animals in the Bible.

Sheep and lambs are all through the Bible. Good people are lambs. The Lamb of God, sounds good. The ferret of God, not so much.

Wolves –always sneaking into sheepfolds. Considered a bad animal.

Lions—very good animal in the Bible as in the Lion of Judah and all that, you don’t hear the platypus of Judah or the badger of Judah and you never hear about the hedgehog of Judah.

Locusts—in the Bible these guys always show up in plagues. You never have a whisper of locusts, always a plague. Why can’t we have a plague of sheep and cattle?

Quail considered good for eating in the Bible, God even sends in quail and manna for the Israelites who took 40 years to cross less than 200 miles, an early sign that man needed the invention of the GPS.

Rats—never mentioned as good eating in the Bible, they do however get eaten when cities are under siege and such.

As a kid, I was very fond of animals in the Bible, and I felt that horses were noble, sheep were holy, lambs were innocent, lions were royal, pigs were vermin, and I wanted to live with animals who seemed safer than humans. Better. Kinder. And I always have felt kindness was the greatest virtue. Right up there with love.

We watched Silver Linings Playbook tonight. There’s Bradley Cooper who is great in this movie playing a bipolar individual, but any movie where the ending is dependent on a dance competition is perhaps leaning toward sappy and romantic. I will keep thinking about it though. One child can undo a family. And one son becomes more arrogant just knowing that he or she gives joy and the other is a drain. It isn’t fair, but there it is. We have life careening from normal to crazed in an instant. And it does.

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Published in: on May 4, 2013 at 9:16 pm  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Some belly laughs on this one. Great post. During my dating years, I tried the apes thing, too. It didn’t work for me either.


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