A list of lies we tell ourselves to get us through the day

ff 013 Nothing says beautiful So Cal beaches like a nuclear plant on the water.

1. They like me. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t.
2. They think I’m funny. Not as funny as you think you are.
3. I’m sure they’ve forgotten about that time I threw up on the lawn. Not.
4. I look good in green tights/sparkly tights/textured tights. Are you four?
5. I look good with all this eye shadow. Are you fifteen?
6. I’d look great in purple/green/blue hair. The fact is you would not look good, but if you’re having fun, who cares?
7. I can cook anything. No, you can’t.
8. I’m a great parent. Everyone loves my kids. Not true.
9. My in laws like me just fine. If you’ve said this to yourself, it’s probably not true.
10. I’m losing weight I think. Get on the scale and find out.
11. People love my potato salad. Seriously, no one loves potato salad. It’s this extra food thing at parties. And if it sits out in the sun too long, the mayonnaise goes bad and you get food poisoning. Ditto for deviled eggs.
12. I like flying; it’s kind of romantic. You could go to hell for this kind of lying.
13. I can still fit in my wedding clothes. Try ‘em on!
14. I’m a good driver. For me, this is a lie.
15. I’m a safe driver, I don’t break the law and I don’t swear at other drivers. Really?
16. I don’t have the time for that. Usually means you don’t want to do it.
17. I don’t have the money for that. Often means you don’t want to do it.
18. I’m always sexy. Seriously? I doubt that, I bet if I lived with Pierce Brosnan he wouldn’t be always sexy.
19. God loves me. You think so? Then why didn’t you win the lottery today?
20. I’m going to heaven. Keep telling yourself that if it’s working for you.

My friend Elise and I are going to see A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder at the Old Globe tonight. Should be fun. And we’re going to dinner. Then Saturday I’m teaching a poetry workshop in Pasadena, going to the Central Library for a rehearsal for the reading with Eloise Klein Healy and Caroline Kennedy and we’re having a dinner party. Thank God, Nicelle is coming to hang out and help. Otherwise I’d be crying for my mother, and let’s be honest, I haven’t cried for my mother since I was three and it didn’t work then, so that’s unlikely.

On the seventh day God rested. Good for God, I’m thinking of following in her footsteps and getting some much needed rest on Sunday.

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Published in: on March 28, 2013 at 12:43 pm  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Crap. I love my green tights. They’re not sparkly or textured, just green. Not crazy green. I’m going to continue to believe they are okay to wear, dammit.


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