March 28th, 2012
Getting flack on the advice to not go to therapy, what makes a good couple?
I’m already hearing back from my readers that advising people NOT to go to therapy when they think they need it may be short sighted on my part. Perhaps if a person thinks they want to go to therapy, it’s best to get out of the way and let them go.
I guess I just miss the concept of turning to your partner if you have issues, spending more time with him/her doing whatever it is you like to do. But therapy is a good way to rethink your life.
Maybe I should just say that if I had needed couple therapy before we were married, I would have thought we weren’t meant for each other.
What makes a good couple varies considerably because people are so different. Some people like someone to be noisy with, others like quiet, some want someone who makes a lot of money, some want someone who saves, some want a lot of drama so they can really tell something’s happening in their world. Some even like breaking up and getting back together all the time. They really feel like their world is turning.
The key is to find someone you fit with. If you want someone to boss you around, find someone who likes bossing, (shouldn’t be difficult.) If you like a lot of sex, find a little sex maniac, if you want once a year sex, find that. If you want to travel, don’t hook up with a home body just because they’re hot. Women often think that this guy who likes sitting around watching football is going to evolve into someone who likes dressing up, parties, theatre, dancing. This is probably not going to happen. Or my personal favorite, they don’t like kids, but they’re going to like your kids. If you have kids, and you meet someone who doesn’t really adore your kids, run away! That probably isn’t going to get any better. The most important thing, if you already have children, in choosing a partner is making sure they like you AND really like your children.
What often happens though is that people change the rules. They start off a homebody, then they decide they want to see Africa. They start off clubbing and partying, they decide they want to sit around in their green (is it really green and if so where did that green come from?) sweatpants and watch basketball.
Things that I hope my spouse doesn’t suddenly decide he wants:
1. A television. Watching sports.
2. Going out every weekend.
3. Going to expensive restaurants.
4. Getting dressed up all the time.
5. Taking me shopping. Shopping is bad enough by myself. Why share it?
6. Buying expensive jewelry like tennis bracelets etc. It would make me feel guilty for not being nicer and I don’t want to feel guilty. Besides I like funky jewelry.
7. Going on cruises. Not my idea of fun.
8. Going on any kind of guided tour. Don’t talk to me while I’m exploring.
9. Going on any kind of trip, picnic, bicycle ride etc with other people.
10. Extreme sports.
11. Me to lose 50 lbs.
12. Me to become a gourmet cook.
13. House to look all decorated and perfect.
14. Meals to be served on time. What time?
15. Us to go dancing all the time. Ditto clubbing.
16. Me to start wearing lots of makeup, perfume, jewelry.
17. Me to look pulled together.
18. Anyone else moving into our house.
19. Moving to another state. I wouldn’t mind moving to Pasadena though.
20. Any kind of improvement I didn’t think of myself.
I am pretty good with stuff now. I don’t want to improve too much. Just a bit. But I want to come up with my own ideas. Mostly, I want more sleep.
Your perfect mate inspires you without forcing you to do something you don’t want to do. In cities, there isn’t enough time to breathe. Couple time shouldn’t add to the tension. Couple time should be about breathing too.