April 29th, 2012
1. Being pregnant is the best time of your life. You’ll feel amazing. This is only true if you were in prison up to that point. The fact is you feel huge, hot and heavy, people stare at you and they feel your belly which is just weird, and they feel sorry for you, to say nothing of the fact that you can’t drink or see your feet.
2. You’ll forget the pain of childbirth. They lie! I remember all 7 hours with the first and all 20 minutes with the second. Every bleeding second.
3. The first years are the best. Really? If you like watching someone sleep and then changing their juicy diapers. They’re actually more fun and work when they start walking, talking and using the toilet. I’m such a fan of that part. It doesn’t happen until after they’re two and by three, that whole toilet part is over and parenting is a lot more fun.
4. People will help out. Really? Who are these people? Where are these people? Oh, I remember who helps out, the people you pay to help. You are really lucky if you have grandparents or uncles or aunts who will take the kid/kids off your hands once every month or so. In fact, in American culture, you are 1 in a million if you’ve got that going. Even for an evening.
5. They don’t actually eat that much until they’re teenagers. Where are these little non eating kids? Mine ate non stop.
6. They won’t let you sleep in. Lie. You train them. You put a stool by the fridge and you put the milk in there and you put a box of cereal out and you leave out Fantasia or Howard the Duck and you let them watch something stupid every Saturday or Sunday and get themselves cereal as long as you can get some sleep.
7. The part they don’t tell you. Kids will end up being the best part of your life. The things they say and do to make you laugh. The fact that they love you unconditionally and criticize you anyway and still love you.
8. The other part they don’t tell you. How much you’ll like seeing them grow and learn to swim and play ball and learn to read and dress themselves and how happy you’ll be when they start to take care of each other.
9. And… how as adults, when they like being around you, you’ll feel you made it.
10. And how you won’t be able to imagine your life without them, because they’ve made it a funnier story and a sadder story, a bigger story and a better story. And that’s what’s great about kids, you’ve entered a whole different kind of story, and you’ve found that you’re still changing inside that story, you aren’t always right, but then, you don’t have to be.