November 22, 2009
Sundays are amazing. You can sleep in. At 7, I got up and ran my ten miles and then went off to the pool for a swim, but got there late so only swam a half mile, but it still felt great especially after a long run. Mark had great chicken chili ready when I got home. Chili swarms with flavor.
Lit still haunts me. How her father and husband only meet once and then to nod and not speak. My father and husband have never met. But then, I’ve only been with Mark for 15 years, I suppose we haven’t had the chance. Some day, I tell myself, I’ll do something spectacular that will impress my father and he’ll see I was worth knowing all along. Things I wanted when I was younger: To know my father, to be thin, to have a job. If you’ve made it to 46 without these things, I think that’s proof, you can make it the rest of your life. You don’t need to be thin, you don’t need a “job,” you just need stuff to do, and you clearly don’t need a father. You can be spectacular anyway. But just because you don’t need a thing doesn’t stop you from wanting it anyway.
I like how Mary Karr keeps going back to therapy; she has the money and insurance to support it. I never had either. I’ve had Kaiser for twenty years and with Kaiser you don’t get long range personal therapy. A few times I went with my kids to group therapy. We were the star of the show. The leaders could sit back and watch us. We made it look easy like drinking peach schnapps. We were stars; we were entertainment, I needed a nap afterward. I think about therapy. Would I get now if I could? Isn’t it too late? Shouldn’t I have fixed myself earlier? Or better question, am I fine now? I can’t tell. My friends in therapy quote their therapists like religious people quote the Bible. Here’s a life quote that I like, “Don’t let the bastards get you down.”
Tonight we’re going to Disney Hall to hear the music of the Left Coast including my favorite composer Lauridsen. I can’t wait. It will be like flying.