The day before the event I am always breathless, as in, I can’t breathe. Too many things happening at once. No. Stop. I want to say, but the train keeps rolling. And things go wrong. Things you wouldn’t even imagine. We try to think it out in advance and then, really, no, this isn’t happening, and it is.
Mark and I wake up and start drinking cup after cup of coffee. I imagine that I will go for a run, but I never do. There isn’t time. I start to panic even though there isn’t a reason too. Nicelle is coming to help, bringing Maggie and William and Nathan are coming and Elaine, Petra, Gina. We think about how last year we served bagels to everyone helping, this year nothing. Too much was going on by the time I got into the car. I keep trying to get myself to take a breath. I keep saying it is all waterunderthebridge. But I am in the water under the bridge and when I look up, what I see is the underside of the bridge. In that underside is a dark void of tangled branches, birds’ nests, old stories, cobwebs, bats. That’s what I see. All that dark smudged against the sky. I can’t really see the sky.
Tobi and Molly will be here shortly. They love me! and Tobi will take board meeting notes and after the board meeting, there’s drinks and then there’s the cocktail party and then we’re home. The event tomorrow will be fantastic, if you still want to come, we’re sold out, but let us know and we will find you a place. When it’s over, we go out to celebrate Kelly, Tobi and Molly’s birthdays and then I’ll relax, my shoulders will come down from around my ears, but right now, all I see is the dark underside of the bridge. I know the sky is there and I know the sky is waiting.
If you haven’t bought a ticket yet, email me and let me know if you want to come. It will be great, I promise you that. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org.
That’s where poetry and stories come from, and that’s why we started all this.
I just wish I didn’t make mistakes. That would make life so much simpler. I spend a large percentage of my time, kicking myself. Kate, use your brain! I say, over and over as I fall asleep and as I wake.
I want to be a different Kate.
That other Kate would never screw up, where is she?
See you tomorrow!